Restless perceptions

2012-01-24T10:53:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking about you several times through the last years. The last 9 years to be specific. Not every day, or even every week or month, but now and then. I've wondered so many times. Asked myself questions that I've never found any answers to. Yesterday I believe I found some answers when I met you for the first time on the street and you asked me out for coffee. It wasn't as I thought it would be. But since back in the days I believe both our lives have changed a lot. And to me it's not a bad thing. It did me good.

2011-12-05T10:10:00.001+01:00

Have I ever known real fear? To be honest I don't think so. I've never been that afraid of things that I've felt my body shake of it. When thinking of the future I feel some sort of fear, like when I think of loosing someone close to me. But that's not all fear, but a lot of sadness, because it will happen sooner or later.

2011-11-17T14:29:00.001+01:00

I wonder. Would I do the same things again? Would I make the same mistakes? Knowing me prolly yes......

2011-11-16T20:00:00.001+01:00

On my own again and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

2011-11-08T11:11:00.000+01:00

"She used to love you. Maybe she still does" she thought to herself in the dusk of dawn. The only company is her own thoughts, her own mind, that has played tricks on her so many times before.
She loves him though, in her own way, and he knows that. She makes sure he's aware of that and leaves no trace of doubts. She doubts. Herself and him, and the souls around them.
She's fragile, her feelings are, her spirit and her beliefs. She can see the glimps' of her future, and his, filled with tears and moments of silence, but also sunlight inbetween. Her biggest enemy, if that's what she would call it, is herself and her mind. Her doubtfull heart you might say. "Does they even know I exist? Or does he hide her away as he once used to to shelter himself from the surroundings, playing it safe?". So many thought that feed her mind, the observations that makes her head spinn, and she wonders if his words are true, why doesn't it show, to her and everyone else, to release some of it?

2011-11-08T11:09:00.002+01:00

Somehow I would like to believe that I don't think that I'm better than others. I like to assume that I'm somehow just different. And hope that is right and not a bad thing to believe....

Ready - Set - Match!

2011-11-01T14:28:00.002+01:00

Just for the sake of it this time. Enough is enough is enough. Another question asked, from my side, but as allways with regards to the same topic, I'm not the one to blame.So ready, set, match!!

2011-10-25T13:54:00.001+02:00

80,000 reasons. All of them. And this time the exuces aren't enough anymore. 80,000 reasons, and i've had enough.

2011-10-11T10:11:00.002+02:00

Recently I've cought myself using the phrase " I don't have the energy". Makes me sad in some way because I wish to do good, make the effort sometimes, be there and do the right thing. The right thing not only to others but also to myself. "I don't have the energy" sounds like it's coming from a person that doesn't bother but to me this nowdays means just what it says. I don't have the energy to get involved in some things, to take the discussions and maybe even fights, to do some of the smallest things that need, or at least should be, done in my life.

Outspoken

2011-10-05T09:23:00.005+02:00

To speak out loud the things I've done wrong, my failures or mistakes, is something I very rarely do. With that said I do think of them to many times, and I admit them to myself. To speak out would not only cause me some harm maybe, but also people arround me, and people I thought I knew. Even maybe the people I once knew.
With questions asked I can admit some of them. When the sender is the right person and the question is aked at the right time or in the right way.
I don't even think many of the answers would do bad, but maybe even good, or make things right, but in some way, to me, they would put me in a position I would feel uncomfertably in.

When younger I was allways considered to be outspoken, and I do think I am still today, but in a milder version. Maybe I've grown older and learned the ways of life and the pros and cons regarding letting my surrounding knowing my opinions on certain topics.

Now I sometimes wish that back then I said things how it was. Even said things differently. When asked the right answer was maybe not "No", but "I would prefere not, but maybe, but t I can try". The question asked reveals to much and says to much about me to be revealed.

2011-09-30T22:14:00.001+02:00

Give me another life. Don't really has to be better just different. Sometimes my surroundings are just to much to handle.

Hidden secrets

2011-09-20T09:27:00.003+02:00

I once knew the secret. Regardless of how well they were hidden. Because you showed them to me. I couldn't see them, noone could, but because you loved me you pointed me in the right direction and revealed it all.

2011-09-20T09:25:00.002+02:00

It's all mine and I hope it will be like that forever. For noone to know, destroy or take away. Because I need it. Like the last wall between me and total ruin.

2011-09-12T09:45:00.001+02:00

Sometimes I wish I believed in coincidents. But somehow we create them with the pure purpose wishing life was like that.

Wondering...

2011-09-05T13:42:00.001+02:00

And sometimes I just wonder. Just wondering.

The sky is blue and the sun is shining. It's hot considering it's early september. But sometimes, like today, I just feel misty inside.

And I wonder. Just wondering....

2011-08-22T16:15:00.001+02:00

...and some of the things we do, and even say, isn't even for others to understand, but it's a try to convince ourselves...of something.

2010-12-14T23:15:00.001+01:00

Just sad. The feeling that sometimes sneaks up at her when alone. It's always there, and reminds her, but today her world is different. Sadness. Emptiness. It's not even bad, just a constant reminder of what once was. She looks back, and thinks back, and sometimes in weak moments, try to imagine how hings could have been if just. If just a few, very small things, would have been handled differently. Because she would have done what was needed, or at least tried.

2010-11-08T20:54:00.001+01:00

The smallest thing can turn a life up side down and bring back shadows from the past. Re-evaluate!!!

2010-11-08T09:26:00.002+01:00

Again I'll walk the streets I once knew. The memories will be present now and then I'm sure, but they will be replaced by new ones one day, or at least most of them. The memories of what once was have started to fade but aren't forgotten. Maybe they never will be but that doesn't make me upset in any way anymore. A memory is all it is. And there is room for new ones, different ones, but soon I'll walk those streets again.

2010-11-02T22:37:00.002+01:00

One of the things that make it easier is the fact that there are some aspects and persons that never change. When you've figured it all out it's good to be able to sit back and realize how things actually are. Nothing could have been differently, and the outcome would have been the same regardless. Through time, afterwards, it's calming and brings peace. And above all it proves one thing I've stated before: people never change!

2010-10-30T23:08:00.001+02:00

Everything ends badly or else it wouldn't end.

2010-10-29T23:10:00.001+02:00

....and friday I'm in love.

2010-10-16T21:49:00.001+02:00

Changes

2010-10-16T21:38:00.001+02:00

Changes. I've heard that phrase a few times in my life; "people change". Somehow I find this hard to believe. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen but it's in that case very rare and takes a huge amount of effort. People may be able to hide their flaws (if anyone would dare to call it flaws), make them less visible, but somehow I believe that inside, within the depths of themselves, these sides of a person is always present. I know there are some sides of me I would maybe like to be different. I've experienced enough in my life both through work and personal life, to realize that, usually afterwards after discussions, disagreements and at some occasions fights. And usually too late. I'm not even sure after all this time if I have even changed. I've grown maybe, but these sides, good and bad, have been present maybe as long as I can remember. Some of them I never want to change. Some I wish wasn't as visible to my surroundings, and maybe they have become less but they are still there forcing their way into the open.

I observe people around me and some of them have sides I would almost be ashamed of if I had them. Maybe I do when I come to think of it but I don't realize it myself. How we look upon ourselves is often a view we don't share with the people around us. They usually have different ideas, opinions and viewpoints on how "we" are. A tricky thing.

2010-10-12T22:41:00.001+02:00

So this is what it's come to. I don't have the energy to solve it. Just to feel the pain as it grows and turn into anger. It always does in the end. I've experienced it so many times that I can't even give a number but I know the outcome in the end. Somehow I don't believe this time will be different from any of the other occasions, but deep within me there is the small fragile hope. It's always been there, and I'm amazed it hasn't been trashed completely by now. I guess it's the little devil in me that refuse to give up. And who keeps telling me that if things doesn't work out this time than maybe the next. I just can't do certain things again. I can't always be the one carrying the load, the worries, and come up with ideas and suggestion on how to make things right.

Somehow I wish you would be the one carrying half of it. To be the one who could, and would, some things a bit easier for me from time to time. Someone that I could come to, talk to, and without fear or resentment, or doubts. That if I could do that, the problems wouldn't disappear, but maybe it would feel easier, and me better, and I would feel somehow that everything wasn't a battle, and regardless I wasn't alone with it all.

2010-10-10T10:49:00.001+02:00

Some things will never be forgotten and somehow it's ok. After all these years, and all this time, I somehow find it calming in a sort of morbid way thinking back. Like a fairytale without a happy ending. Like I believe loads of tales should be to be honest. But that's what it was, and I remember both good and bad, and take it for what it is. And today….it's like I said ok.

2010-10-03T03:46:00.001+02:00

And please feel free to call me "damaged goods". But I hope after tonight that it's all true.

2010-09-02T09:25:00.002+02:00

She never begs for it all though she sometimes goes weak and wants it bad. The feelings fight within her wanting something she at that moment won't get. There are moments she gets it all and the moments she got rejected are all forgotten. Like sand in the wind all her doubts disappears, when after she can hear his voice stating "I can't see my future without you".

2010-08-25T17:47:00.002+02:00

The confirmation I once wanted have suddenly appeared to me. It's nice in a morbid way to realize that the thoughts I once had were real. It happened. It wasn't something I imagined. And to realize that some people are just weak and full of shit is still true.

2010-08-08T14:49:00.002+02:00

No more fuck ups please. Please don't let me do it again. No more mistakes. I don't want to feel that again. No more silly sayings. No more this time. I don't want to end up in tears again. I think I love him. So don't mess it up this time.

2010-08-06T18:23:00.002+02:00

She couldn't believe what her body was telling her. Realizing humans are nothing more than animals in the end, with instinct, and needs, desperate to be satisfied. She remember the first time. It was the scent of him as he walked by. She hadn't really noticed him. He wasn't the kind of man you glance twice upon. Just someone in the crowd.

But as he walked past her the first time, she could feel her body awaken. The sensation of his smell woke her up. She lifted her eyes and saw his short brown hair curling in his neck, his small, but firm behind, and she begged inside for him to turn. She needed to see his eyes, and hands, and somehow she was already longing to show herself to him, and imagined his hands all over her.

2010-08-05T10:20:00.002+02:00

The little small things. I promised myself quite a while back to start to appreciate them more. To not look to far ahead and make dreams and wishes that might not come true. The little small things. When you use the words "we" and "us". Who knows what the future might bring. We talk about them from time to time and we seem to agree mostly and want the same, but for now. The little small things.

2010-08-04T09:32:00.003+02:00

I've pretended in my life. Drawn up images that are not true. I used to call it dreaming, something to wish for, but after I crashed and burned a few times, I realized what I wanted all along was right here. Not too far away but close, right in front of me, and for once I don't have to pretend. And the drawings aren't all mine anymore. They are drawn by two.

2010-07-28T11:46:00.002+02:00

As time goes by and the wounds heal I think and look back and somehow some things just make me angry. I assume I will need more time to be able to let it all go and don't think about it anymore. Today I started thinking about people, or rather a group of people, and transparent people is the worst. People that are round, have hardly any opinions, agree to most thinks and never speak up. People that never show emotions, if it's happiness or anger. I despise them, and I think I despise you more than ever. People that never have goals, or fight for what they believe in or want. People who's too weak to go for whatever their heart desire. Maybe it's too hard, or because of fear. I don't really know, and it's not my job to figure out why. I just dislike it.

I'd rather surround myself with people that are emotional. People that once in a while tells me to fuck off and shut up and get a grip. People like these I at least know who are. Where I have them. There are no hidden agendas or double meaning to things. They hurt me maybe once in a while, but at least I know they appreciate me when that is expressed.

2010-07-27T19:10:00.002+02:00

I find it ironic. It makes me laugh in an almost hysterical way. When life is good. So good. My dreams start haunting me. Wakes me up almost in panic, my stomach is trembling in agony. What's good there and then is. I can reach my hand out and there are you.

2010-07-22T16:16:00.002+02:00

And now it turns out to be a memory. It even makes me smile sometimes. So many things happened, and still do, and I'm able to look back again. Sometimes it makes me melancholic. I sometimes wonder if it even happened, because it seems so far away, like an adventure I was just a spectator to. It's like I have two sets of lives, one that was me there and then, and the life I have now. It's so different, but not bad in any way.

2010-07-18T13:46:00.002+02:00

Insecurity must be the most lethal thing for any relationship. I notice the thoughts sneaking upon me from time to time. I'm aware of it. I hate it and despite it. I force myself to stop it before it gets out of control. You saying "my god you are pretty" blows it all away. And right now I allow myself to enjoy every second of it.

2010-07-04T17:02:00.004+02:00

And what she wasn't sure if she wanted to happen happened. And it turned out to totally different than she imagined. All her thoughts and doubts disappeared the moment he kissed her and made her skin shiver. The best part of it all is that she for once know one thing. And that is that she know it will happen again.

2010-06-29T23:58:00.002+02:00

It fell. Fell far. Been waiting so long for it to come. But now that it came. I know. I know. It wasn't even bad. Nor did it hurt. It just came. Finally.

2010-06-29T20:01:00.003+02:00

"You're the kind of woman who needs a good lover", he said as he approached her, "Because you are so afraid for feelings".

I saw the shades on the wooden floor getting closer. The silhouette, of his body, coming from behind. My long brown hair falling down my back as he brushed it aside and halfway kissing, biting my neck, and gentle pushing the strings of my dress aside and drops it to the floor.

2010-06-29T18:33:00.002+02:00

Shattered among devils. Spread wings but hidden secrets. The thin red line is fading as time passes. No hidden agenda anymore. What once was is lost, through time and space, with dirty words and daggers ripping through the flesh. The aftermath is vanishing with the rise of the sun. Grayscaled dust leaving the ground trembling down as the warm rain forces it to. New life, new beginnings, the circle of life.

2010-06-29T17:43:00.003+02:00

Blood rushing through my veins as the pulse is escalating. The feeling of letting go and let him in charge. To be bound but not broken and feel his grip as he explores it all over again. No second thoughts, just pure lust, rushing, as his breath hits my skin. Body shivering, breath gasping, movement as in welcoming. Just give it all away. It's him to take, and I let him.

2010-06-28T22:20:00.004+02:00

Life as we all know it. Too short to be distracted with all those issues that in the end means little. Memories fade, heart gets healed. Enjoying every moment, every pleasure and smile on our faces. Let the heart embrace the excitement, the tickles, and whatever pleasure life has to offer. It's to short anyway as I said.

Aurora Borealis

2010-02-02T22:27:00.012+01:00

The Northern Lights, or Aurora Borealis, have been the topic of discussion for centuries. Through time there have been a lot of myths and superstition connected to this amazing light that can be seen on the northern hemisphere. References to this phenomenon can be found in books and also in todays movies and have caused fascination all over the world.

Aurora Borealis, is also in many regions, also for northern Norway, a big source of income

since travellers from all over the world visit this region in the hope of getting a glimpse of this light that have captured people for centuries.

The Roman godess of dawn, called Aurora, combined with the Greek word for north wind, Boreas, gave the name to this magnificent natural event.

Through time different theories to the northern lights have been presentet. These are now obsolete. The myths and the connection to superstition and folklore are interesting and I would like to hear more stories connected to this phenomenon.

I remember from when I was a child that there was one saying when it came to the Northern Lights. We was never supposed to wave at the Northern Lights with something white, or wear white clothes when we saw it up on the sky. The reason for this was that the light would then come down to the eart and take us away. Where this tale came from I have no idea, but i do remember that all the children knew about this and we had a lot of fun of waving with white cloth in joyfull delight.

The Stars Calling

2009-05-01T00:05:00.003+02:00

The water is pulling me under. I try to reach the surface and get a breath of air. It's like a never ending battle, and I have no clue on who's going to come out with their head raised high. The water and me. Surrounding me and dragging me down, to the dark, but I can see the light blue moon above me, and catch glimpses of the starts sparkling. Another breath of air before I get dragged under again, waves washing over my face, cleansing and cold, and I'm gone again. The dark is calling out my name, telling me where I belong, soothing me and giving promises I'm not even sure it will keep. For this moment there's still blood rushing through my veins, heart beating, and I keep my eyes on the stars. And I say a prayer and hoping the starts will win the other battle.

Promise to myself part I

2009-04-28T19:40:00.002+02:00

I'm going to promise myself a few things and keep them!!! First one is to do a few small simple things that will make me happier. They might not mean anything, to others than my self, but I will still do them and enjoy it while doing so.

My walk

2009-04-26T18:06:00.003+02:00

I went for a walk yesterday. Not a to long walk but a walk after all. I don't walk around very often, but I really should. The weather wasn't even nice, but when I get asked I say it was ok, just because I remember walking and noticing the weirdest things. It didn't rain, but almost, and randomly I could sense a raindrop on my face. I noticed the sky, and it amazed me. The different shape and forms on the clouds, how different they all was. In certain areas they was really dark and seemed heavy, loaded with those drops, and as I was walking I sort off hoped they would get where I was and open their valves at me. The light was spectacular, since there was other part of the sky that was clear and bright. I remember walking, and looking up and the sky, and noticing all these things. The light is always different here than most other places I've traveled. Maybe it was the state of my mind, the fact that it's been so long since I've walked alone at night, but I really liked it.

There was hardly any traffic at all at that point which was weird since it was Saturday night. My feet got a bit wet and I was wondering if it might have been to early to start wearing sneakers, spring time after all. At that time it would be dark so many places in the world, but not here. Not this far north at this time of year. I finally felt, maybe for the first time this year, that summer was coming. Spring is here for sure at least. I really should go for more walks often. Especially late at night.

… and the Follower.

2009-04-26T00:38:00.003+02:00

It's hard keeping up, trying to keep dry, as i walk behind her watching her single step. Watching my step. Never falling far behind, I need to be unnoticed. The cracking sounds of fresh ice breaking under our feet, simultaneously, in harmony, the only sounds that the night carries away. It's like a dance, two strangers in the night, in sync and harmony, aware of each other but we pretend the other one doesn't exist. It's all synced, every movement, every step, and the ironic thing is, although we pretend, we're aware of each other's present, and it's comforting, in a non existing way. Sometimes I wonder, seeing her like that, what will happen if I called her name out, or reached out and grabbed her shoulder, making her turn and face me. For the first time. I never do. What is her name?

The Leader…

2009-04-22T18:40:00.003+02:00

She opened her heart once again. She always does. Starting over like she's done so many times before. I see her from a distance, observing, following her trace like a bloodhound on the loose. The leader and the follower, like a shade, unnoticed, but somehow present. We're bound, dependent of each other, silken spider treads, and we know.

She wonders what lies ahead, but open minded, she moves with determination. The dim lights from the full moon make her noticeable although the shades, at times, gives comfort and rest. I wish I could read her thoughts, understand, but her face reveals so much. Or maybe it doesn't.

The leader. She's always the leader…

Butterfly to be

2009-04-21T15:02:00.008+02:00

In my own little cocoon no one can touch me.

No one can hurt me, or crack through my walls.

I hear the sounds of the world passing by.

People stop up and wonder.

No I say. Go away!

And when the silence come not even the dark can hide my tears.

And I hope, in despair, that someone will stop and listen.

And release me from this prison I've created.

9 days and the 2 God left out

2009-04-18T00:09:00.009+02:00

9 days. That's all it took to set the standard for everything I aim for. Sometimes I compare it to the 7 days it took for God to create his masterpiece, and I've added the 2 last for the things he left out. Many may wonder, even be insulted and I apologize for that, but if anyone knew what those 9 days meant and will forever mean to me, they would look on me and smile.

Think about the people you've met during your life and who you regularly see and talk to. Of all those people, there must be a few that you remember well and know you'll never forget, for different reasons. The ones that passed away, your first true love, the pet you had when growing up. Some might even remember people they briefly met, a face in the crowd, but try and ask yourself why you remember them and be grateful they took a piece of you.

9 days. From the moment I breathed your air, I think you took that piece from me. I'm not even sure you're aware of what a precious gift you've been given, but even now, years after, I have no regrets and I would let you steal another piece again. I lost control, no track of time and space, dates or hours, and for maybe the first time in my life I felt truly alive. Maybe God didn't forget to create these things I explored these days, but they weren't spoken of, for one reason mainly. A gift like that, so intense and everlasting, the pain when it's over, it's worth it. And I hope everyone gets to experience this once. Because if I'm right, this is your own discovery, and not God, or anyone else, will ever be able to create this for you........Or add 2 more days to tell you something that you need to find for yourself.

Traces of sand

2009-04-17T19:03:00.005+02:00

The path of life and the marks we leave on it. Like footprints in the sand, washed away by the morning tide. Every print is different, maybe even with a slight change of direction, or the ground we walk on change in texture and make every step different from the previous one. Some prints stay longer you know? Either it's because we took a different way and the waves, like grasping hands, can't reach them. The other reason for this is that some prints are deep, too deep, like their cut in stone, and no tide can wash these away.

We stop for a second and look back and see these patterns. Our own history, experiences, and we study them, one by one. Some people will go back, and even make new prints. They'll try cover some up with sand, and it works. For a while. They are still there you know? The prints. Hidden maybe, but we know they are there.

The waves are strong this evening. Dark and powerful, as I fall to my knees looking over my shoulder. Two pair of prints, side by side, and the salty taste from the sea and the cold on my chin makes me wonder. There are moments in life we walk alone, because we have to or we have no choice. I see these pair of prints and as I look towards the horizon, the sand beside me shiver by the weight of someone approaching and I think to myself; right now I don't have to walk alone and I'll embrace this moment for as long as I have it.